Product Review: Meatless "Beef " Jerky... Well There Are Worse Things To Eat?

Waiting with my groceries at the checkout lanes of Whole Foods, my wondering eyes graze over the chocolate bars they have on display, and then.. what is this? Meatless Jerky?!?! Well, a believer in this or not, I HAD to try it. 

 99 calories is the first indicator of what is to come...

Primal Meatless Teriyaki Jerky

Well... it certainly looks completely revolting and I threw up in my mouth a bit like raw meat... I took a bite. Slimy? Yes. The texture however, actually pulled apart like jerky, though a lot more tender. It wasn't that bad, I ate it all with no problem. Perfect for someone who is on one of those stupid vegan diets a light snack.

Price: $1.00

Verdict: The price point is definitely a lot more appetizing then the look of this jerky. It's worth giving a shot, and hey, its a serving of protein for you!

Primal Spirit

Sold at health Food Stores

www.primalspiritfoods.com

Product Review: Bissli Falafel Wheat Snacks

It is not that often that I venture into a Jack 99 Cent Store. If I do happen to find myself in one of the stores, I usually go for the gum, cold drinks, or nature valley bars. Hell will freeze over before I buy eggs or packaged meat from that place! Anyway I was breezing past the snacks isle when this caught my eye.... falafel flavored party snacks?!? What were they thinking?? Naturally I had to buy them

Bissli Falafel Flavored Wheat Snack

Apparently they are for people who looked like George Costanza in Junior High, and skinny hipster red heads. How could I not give these snacks a try??

Fiber Twigs...?

At first glance, these looked like a bunch of awful fiber one twigs....I hesitantly popped one a few in my mouth.... yep, they had the same exact consistency as well. Hard brittle, and texturally revoting. The taste however.... was amazingly like a falafel! It was bursting with chickpea, garlic and herby flavor. Needless to say I didn't finish the bag.

Price: $0.50

Verdict: They also had taco, honey and bbq flavors in more (kind of) appetizing cylinder shapes. It was only 50 cents to why the hell not try a bag? I would have been a huge fan of these falafel ones is only they were in a more appetizing shape and texture. Say like a dorito chip texture?

Jacks 99 Cent Store

Multiple Locations

Product Review: Trader Joe's Shrimp and Green Curry Frozen Meal

I was craving Thai food the other night and I had remembered that I recently purchased this frozen meal from Trader Joe's. It looked appetizing, huge and delicious, let's see if it tastes as good as it looks!

Instructions say to "poke holes" and microwave for 3 minutes.

After 3 minutes, the rice was piping hot, but the curry was still frozen. I had to scoop out the rice and continue to zap the curry. It was finally hot after another 3 minutes. I must add that this looks like vomit. Yum.

Lets Break it Down by Components:

Shrimp: There were only 4(!??) Trader Joe, I expected more from you. tsk tsk. They were nicely cooked however, not rubbery nor too stringy

Curry: Delicious. Spicy,  and not too watery or oily. If you gave this to me and told me it was from a restaurant, I wouldn't have known the difference

Rice: Jasmine rice, fluffy but a bit grainy. What you would expect from frozen precooked rice

 Vegetables: Okay I don't know what the hell this is, but it tastes like little bombs of bitter mushy vomit. Tricking me into thinking it was a pea, this was much much more disgusting. I like peas. I hate this thing.
Price: $5.00
Verdict: Just okay, but pretty good for frozen. If anything, the rice is what will fill you up. The amount of shrimp is disheartening and the vegetables were bitter. I would not buy this again.

Sweet Tooth: The Most Satisfying Thing in a Tube. EVER

The other day my ex roomate May had wanted to meet up to do a photo shoot on our roof top for her job. Before we started shooting we decided to go a near by deli and grab beer. Once at the counter she spotted this. "OH MY GOD, these are SOOOO good!" she exclaimed. I had ever seen these iced treats ever before in my life and I was intrigued. She insisting on buying one for me. I gladly accepted her gift :)

Mamita's Home Style Batata Cream Stick

Trying to open this was the hard part, since there was no excess plastic for easy cutting, but after what seemed like ETERNITY I got this sucker open.  I took a bite. Holy shit, this was the most incredibly creamy ice pop I have ever had. It had a light after taste of coconut (although batata means sweet potato in spanish, I couldn't quite tell the difference)

Amazing, refreshing, and very satisfying. If you spot this at a local deli- GET IT. The best ice cream in a tube ever. They also had tamarind flavor that I will definitely be trying soon!

Price: $1.00

Spotted at most Hispanic/ Latin Delis

( I found mine by my apartment in Williamsburg)

Product Review: Battle Between the Roof of my Mouth and Bread. Bread Won

A couple of weeks ago I went to Chelsea Market craving 2 things... a good hardy bread and bleu cheese.  I've never been to Amy's Bread before so I figured to try it out ( even though the lazy girl inside of me just wanted to go to Whole Foods... but I do it for you people).

Entrance. I have nothing smart or funny to say about this ( not that anything I do say is funny anyways). Sorry.

Nice array of rolls and baguettes. The scary thing is I could probably eat a whole basket in one sitting if society didn't pressure Victoria's Secret body images on us. Damn those sexy angels and their push up bras.

More bread porn. The little fat asian inside of me really wanted to run behind the counter and take a bite of everyone. The smell of the breads were utterly irresistible.

Whole Wheat & Whole Wheat with Five Grains

I went with this one because I love poppy seeds, and also this is what the guy behind the counter said would go best with a strong cheese. I took a bite by itself first... holy hell it was like trying to bite barbed wire! The crust was ridiculously hard, the kind that punishes you by cutting the roof of your mouth. The inside was very soft and airy, but bitter. Time to test it out with my condiments! (If my mouth isn't filled with blood yet...)

I added bleu cheese and overly ripe sliced apples. 

The bitterness of the cheese + the bitterness of the bread= me adding a crap load of apple jam and agave nectar after to balance it out. Overall an unsuccessful snack.

Price: $2.50 for half a loaf

Verdict: I didn't know what that guy at was smoking; but this bread paired horribly with bleu cheese. At 2.50 for only half a loaf?? I could have gotten a whole loaf of delicious crunchy sourdough from Whole Foods that wouldn't put battle wounds in my mouth like this bread did. Might give them another shot with a different bread, or possibly try one of their desserts, but I very much disliked the whole wheat with five grains!

Amy's Bread

75 Ninth Avenue
New York, NY 10011

www.amysbread.com

Product Review: Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M's

I am always a sucker for the candy displays in the check out lines at stores, especially when the candy is " limited edition", or "limited time only". At the time, I was craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and low and behold...strawberried peanut m&m's?! After purchasing it, I ripped the bag open to dig in.

They didn't look much different from the plain M&M's, other than the little red specks in the candy coating

Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M

My first bite, I was surprised to see the peanut center, and thought it would have been filled with jelly. The taste was comparable to eating a peanut butter and jelly scratch and sniff sticker. It smells good, looks good, but if you put it in your mouth, you are in for utter disappointment. The strawberry "flavoring" was bitter and the peanut butter was flavorless, dry, and crumbly. After ingesting 5 of these, I threw them away, leaving me only with the bitter artificial after taste in my mouth and a still growling stomach.

Price: $1.00 at Walmart

Verdict: You want Peanut Butter and Jelly? Stop being lazy and make a freaking sandwich then!

Product Review: I'll ro Ranything ror a ScooOOby Snack!

Ralking around the risle, I rotted rome ScooOOoby Racks! Oh, ZIONKS! Rhere ras a rhoice retween roney or rinnamon...rhat ro rhoose??! Rinnanom rit ris!

Cinnamon Scooby Snack

Oh man, I can't type like Scooby Doo anymore, my spell check is going BONKERS...(okay, last one I swear!) In need of some sweet munchies, and feeling adventurous, I decided to grab these fun little graham cracker biscuits. YUM, these little suckers were hearty and crunchy. More tasty than any regular graham cracker I've tried in the past.These had a nice spiciness to them,and had an after taste of nutmeg and honey. 

Price: $2.50 at Target

Verdict: Be careful if you sit in front of the T.V with these because before you know it...half the box will be gone. They are utterly addicting. Two days later, I bought another box. I guess I would go anything for a Scooby Snack...even gain weight!

Product Review: Double Dog Double Pale Ale

Buddy and I didn't feel like going to the bar and spending a bunch of money so we got a variety pack of beer instead. And this one was....interesting.

Double Dog Double Pale Ale

It was bitter.

Product Review: Trader Joe's Smoked Salmon & Spinach Filled Crepes

Lately I have been trying to spend frugally and packing my lunch for work. Unfortunately this slowly transitioned into an extremely boring "make my own" salad phase. I could take no more... if I eat one more healthy leafy green I just might turn into the Jolly Green Giants wife. So in order to still be frugal and not die of lunch boredom, I figured to get a ready to cook meal instead of buying lunch. Since Lean Cuisine and Smart Choice options seemed pathetic and sad to me, I looked in Trader Joe's for some alternatives. Low and behold, the salmon crepes. I have seen these in the store for a while now and decided to give it a try.

What it looked like straight out of the box, they were nice and plump, my mouth drooled with anticipation

Smoked Salmon & Spinach Filled Crepe

It took about 6 1/2 minutes to fully heat 5 of them, I had to stop and flip them halfway through. Each were about the size of an iPhone. The crepe itself held up nicely to the heat of the microwave and was chewy and fun to bite into. The filling was kind of weird. The "cheese" part of the filling had the consistency of bad pudding and tasted very bland. There were not many pieces of salmon and each bite tasted inconsistent. Sometimes I got a bite with an extreme smoked flavor, other times I had wished I sprinkled salt on it.

Price: $ 3.99

Verdict: Trader Joe's, you have disappointed me this time! The only part I liked was the crepe itself. It held up wonderfully in its journey from frozen to heated state. Maybe they should just make frozen crepes, so for lunch all I need to buy are some banana's and nutella...mmmm!

Trader Joe's

142 East 14th Street
New York, NY 10003-4170

www.traderjoes.com

Product Review: Post Cupcake Pebbles

So when I first saw a commercial for Cupcake Pebbles, I thought it was a joke. Come on...CUPCAKE PEBBLES?? Isn't that something that should be on thisiswhyyourefat.com?  Naturally I had to get it.

Post Cupcake Pebbles Cereal

Taste: I first tried this dry, it had a very birthday cake flavor to it with after tones of fake vanilla and marshmallows. The colored specks were like little sugar bombs. I then put this is my unsweetened plain soy milk. The cake flavor got completely lost and I felt like I was eating colored Rice Crispies.

Texture: Nice crunch, the kind you would expect from Pebbles cereal

Smell: Holy birthday cake smell, very strong and pungent.

Price: On Sale $3.00 at Giant

Verdict:  Its the novelty of eating something cupcake flavored for breakfast, but if you ask me I'll stick to my Coco Pebbles, thanks.

Product Review: Trader Joe's Crottin Goat Cheese 3 Pack

 

Trader Joes is a great place to find new and interesting foods. This week I am featuring the 3 Pack Crottin Goat Cheese. It's a good option for when you can't decide on what flavor cheese you want or when you are hosting a little get together.

The 3 Pack was only $4.50 and each individual pack has 3.5 oz

 

Plain Goat Cheese

Taste: I really enjoyed this one, it was tart and had an almost lemony after taste. Fresh and rich, a nice substitute for when you run out of cream cheese. Try this with blueberry jam or spread over banana nut bread,yummy!

Texture: Rich and creamy the taste of sour cream, the texture of flaky cream cheese

Garlic and Herb Goat Cheese

Taste: I was kind of disappointed with this one,  not much garlic flavor at all and the rosemary was over powering the cheese. This would be good for a spread in a sandwich, but not for a snack on crackers

Texture: Creamy with subtle flecks of dried herbs

Four Pepper Goat Cheese

Taste: This was an interesting one, at first bite, it just tasted like the plain goat cheese. There was a heat and spicy after taste. The pepper flecks were coated only on the surface of the cheese and not mixed, unlike the garlic and herbs one. It would be great topped with roasted peppers or olive tapenade.

Texture: Rich and creamy

Verdict: Out of all of these I like the plain goat cheese the best, it was the most versatile of them all. I love mixing fruit and jams with my cheese and the plain is a great pick. I don't think I would get this pack again, but it was a great bargain to try out.

Trader Joe's

Various Locations

http://www.traderjoes.com/stores/index.asp